Despite this, people very rarely see that struggle. I'm calm, cool, and collected in most every situation. I'm not overly enthusiastic when I'm excited, nor do I become enraged with I'm upset. I'm often mistaken for being uncaring and "aloof," when the truth is, I take everything in.
I internalize almost everything--from the way words make me feel, to the way the wind feels against my skin. I am mindful of almost everything; the view from my car window is more than that--it's a landscape, nature, energy.
The one thing that seems to bother people the most is my inability to wear my heart on my sleeve. Discussing my feelings with those whom I barely know makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I am not an open book, and I never have been. People often tell me to "open up and make friends," but I refuse to put myself in a vulnerable position simply to satisfy the curiosity of another.
To be my friend means having patience and at least trying to understand me. I like to spend lots of time alone. People are often alarmed by my inconsistencies in regards to "hanging out." One week, I'll be with you 5 days, the next week, I won't even step outside of my house. I'm a homebody because I need to be. It's not that I don't like to be around people, or that I think you're lame. It's just that my need to "recharge" is far more important than my need to socialize. I don't thrive on socialization like some individuals. I thrive on alone time and connecting with my inner self.
It's somewhat difficult to explain.
When I do make connections, I need them to go deeper than superficial, everyday chatter. I don't enjoy socializing with people if their words only scratch the surface. I can put on a show--smile, laugh, nod my head, etc.--but I dread every moment. I don't want to hear about work or fashion. I want to know what's inside. Hopes, dreams, fears, desires. What do you feel your purpose is here on Earth? How do you view yourself?
I contemplate a lot about my place in the world; why I'm here, where I'm going. What will I be like in 10 years? 20 years? Tomorrow, even?
I need my "friends" to have that "deepness" to them as well. Without it, we will forever remain strangers.